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BUT I PROMISED...

By Nancy McClure

Many years ago you may have promised your parents that you would never force them to leave their home and put them in a nursing home. Now that you both are older you may begin to realize that you may not be able to keep your promise. Mom and Dad are beginning to have trouble going up and down stairs or even walking around their home and you realize that they may not be safe at home any more.

What do you do now?

Talk to them. Start the conversation as early as possible so they have time to think about it. Address the concerns of possible falls and ask if they had considered the possibility.
Show them websites of the independent or assisted living communities so they can see that they are not the nursing homes of the past.
If they mention they would be interested, take them on a tour immediately.
Don’t force them into a move unless absolutely necessary due to medical reasons; they have the right to make their own decision.
Make sure all the siblings are in agreement and are working together to help them. Leave the baggage out of the equation, this is about your mom and dad and not about the past.
Make sure all financial and social information is shared between all the siblings.
If the Power of Attorney is out of town make sure the parents and caregivers in town have input into the place where they go. Too many times the POA swoops in, only has 24 hours, makes the decision without the input of anyone else and then leaves. Now the kids and parents are stuck with a place that may not be the safest or best for the parents.

But I still feel guilty…….

Even though you know you have done the right thing you are going to feel guilty. If mom or dad were forced to move because of medical reasons, they will feed on this to try and get you to move them back home. Remind yourself that this is what is best for them and look for the good things that are happening.

Are they eating and sleeping better?
Have they made friends and have begun to socialize?
Is their quality of life better?
Most importantly, are they safe?